


Smoke Your Tears Away

by OrdinaryThings



Series: Hellers [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x02, Angst, Cas smoking, Coda, Episode: s15e02 Raising Hell, Just talk for god's sake, M/M, Memories, POV Dean Winchester, Sad Dean, Translation, What happened between, raising Hell, sort of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2021-01-04 21:00:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21204026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrdinaryThings/pseuds/OrdinaryThings
Summary: After Cas and Dean's discussion, Dean has some thoughts he did not dare to tell.





	Smoke Your Tears Away

Dean walks down the hall, making the soles of his shoes hit so hard on the floor that it seemed an echo that could surely be heard across the entire block.

Pain, anger and heartbreak.

That's all.

The cold of that school is the only thing that seems to be his companion at that time. Dean doesn't even know where he is going, but as long as he's away from Castiel, it's fine.

The words in his mind suddenly stop him, little by little, his breathing is shaken and his mind can only hear what the angel had said.

_We are_

Were they? What were they? The biggest lie in the world?

Dean finally stops, the night calling him to his work out there with those damn ghosts that does nothing but eat his mind. One more apocalypse to solve in their hands. He finally decides to give himself a little time to _exist_, and sits there, in the middle of a dark corridor, only illuminated by the street lanterns and the exalted crescent moon.

Does Cas know who Dean really is?

Because not even Dean does it now.

He believed that loving Cas was part of himself. He believed that it was irrefutable, something that made him act and believe in everything he was, something that made him strong, that made him _worth_. Knowing that everything he always believed and loved was part of an abominable script, whether he wants it or not, completely collapses his world. He can barely see Castiel in the eyes, and the fault lies on his shoulders.

_We call it... life._

But what life is the angel talking about?

Dean Winchester never had one. He never understood more than pain, anger and hopelessness. He was in charge of giving what he always lacked to everyone around him, to his brother. So he never thought himself worthy of being saved by anyone, and then Cas came into his life.

Suddenly, someone began to see everything that nobody had ever seen in him. And the days ceased to be just _that_, to become _true_. Because Dean stopped fearing many things if Cas was by his side.

And there is something about the way Cas always saw the pretty view, a subtle and casual way of always carrying the hope and innocence that Dean always lacked. That was his life, Cas was his life, and now, _his life is nothing._

_What was real about all this?_

_They were._

_But not anymore._

He decides to finally stand up, Sam must be looking for him and the world has never waited to end because of his tantrums.

Dean re-traces his path with the sole of his shoes, now in a soft way, barely being perceived by his brother, who only by looking at him, understands what happens. Both nod, and Dean prepares his weapons to go hunting quietly.

When he is about to leave, he looks out the window that overlooks the parking lot and can see his Impala... although it is not alone.

A usual trench coat covers most of the trunk, holding a tired angel who keeps his eyes on the sky, and his attention to a cigarette lit midway.

Dean had never seen Cas smoke. He guesses that times are getting stranger.

He sighs and thinks about how beautiful it would be to have no inertia at that moment. In sitting next to him, light another cigarette and smoke all his tears away. Send the world in the smoke and get Chuck to know how much he wants to send him to hell. There, next to Cas, _existing._

But his life is not his anymore.

Cas takes a final drag of his cigarette before putting it out and getting off the Impala ready to continue his work. He has taken too much free time that night.

When he turns his head back to the school window, there is no one there.


End file.
